


Dirty Tactics

by VerityGrahams



Series: Pride of Portree - QLFC - Season 7 - Chaser 1 [4]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Gen, Peeves causes trouble, Pettigrew is frightened, Poltergeists, Pranks, Remus saves Sirius and James, Sirius and James in trouble, backfired pranks, burst pipes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-11
Updated: 2019-09-11
Packaged: 2020-10-14 16:07:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,549
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20603570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/VerityGrahams/pseuds/VerityGrahams
Summary: They slipped behind the mirror and started to make their way down the passageway, down the steep slope until they finally found their fallen friends. James and Sirius seemed to be wearing very little, and they were trapped under a collapsed portion of the passageway. The pungent aroma came from a slimy green bog which had flooded the corridor and soaked James and Sirius.'Remus!' Sirius beamed. 'I don't know how we got stuck under there. It was just a … uh, hilarious chain of events.'





	Dirty Tactics

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: I do not own Harry Potter
> 
> Written for The Quidditch League Fanfiction Competition
> 
> Team: Pride of Portree
> 
> Position: Chaser 1 - "I don't know how I got stuck under there. It was just a … uh, hilarious chain of events." - Impractical Jokers
> 
> Additional Prompts:
> 
> 4: [quote] - 'I reserve actual terror for only the most special of occasions.'
> 
> 15: [quote] 'You two can show off to each other late. You're both very smart. Now shut up.'
> 
> 10\. [word] Aromatic
> 
> Wordcount: 2553/3000

Dirty Tactics

Remus had been looking for James and Sirius everywhere. They were careless and irresponsible, but missing an entire days worth of lessons was very out of character. Peter was following, not really helping, but he was there all the same.

'R-R Remus … you don't think they got hurt, do you?' he stuttered.

Remus looked at Peter and fought the urge to roll his eyes and said, 'At some point, Peter, you really need to get in touch with your Gryffindor side.'

'B-but we don't even have the map … we haven't seen them since last night.'

'I reckon that they did something to Ravenclaw. They were furious after the match!'

They had checked all the passages that they knew and finally came to the last one. It was right underneath Ravenclaw Tower, behind an old antique mirror.

'What's that smell?' Peter complained.

'It wasn't this _aromatic_ last week,' Remus said as he gagged.

They slipped behind the mirror and started to make their way down the passageway, down the steep slope until they finally found their fallen friends. James and Sirius seemed to be wearing very little, and they were trapped under a collapsed portion of the passageway. The pungent aroma came from a slimy green bog which had flooded the corridor and soaked James and Sirius.

'Remus!' Sirius beamed. 'I don't know how we got stuck under there. It was just a … uh, hilarious chain of events.'

'It started because Ravenclaw beat us in Quiddit-'

'No, James!' Sirius interrupted. 'It started because Ravenclaw played dirty in the last Quidditch match!'

'Yeah,' James began, 'and we came up with this really great idea!'

'The swamp is metaphorical for their dirty tactics! Ingenious really,' Sirius continued. 'It involves the plumbing!' Sirius grinned.

Remus rubbed his temples. 'Yeah, yeah, I get it,' he said, shaking his head, resigned to their idiocy. 'You two can show off to each other later. You're both very smart. Now shut up.'

'Will you at least help us Moony?' James pleaded with a smile.

'Where did the swamp come from?' Peter asked, pulling his robes over his nose and mouth. 'And why is it so pungent?'

'Spoilers!' Sirius declared. 'I insist you hear the tale in full, from beginning to end.'

'Plumbing, Peter,' Remus responded. 'The swamp was made from whatever is in the Hogwarts plumbing below Ravenclaw Tower, am I right?'

'Like we said, metaphorical!' Sirius grinned.

'Please get us out,' James pleaded. 'We kinda lost our wands when the beams collapsed … they are somewhere in the … excrement!'

'I think I don't want anything else to collapse! Just give me one moment.' Remus thought for a moment.

'Accio,' Peter commanded. Nothing happened, despite him having the wands pictured in his mind. 'Accio Sirius' wand!' he said a little more forcefully.

'Peter, Accio doesn't tend to work on more powerful magical objects such as wands,' Remus replied kindly.

'It was worth a shot!' Remus just shrugged at Peters whiney insistence.

'Okay, those two larger beams seem to be load-bearing,' Remus began, 'so I think if we get them back in place, the passageway _should_ be safe.'

'Should be?' Sirius asked with a worried expression.

'Yeah, you don't seem too sure there Moony!' James added.

'Are you frightened, Padfoot?' Remus mocked.

'I reserve actual terror for only the most special occasions!' Sirius demanded.

'Why do you keep saying that?' James asked. 'It didn't get a laugh the first time; it's not going to get a laugh now.'

'Sirius looks like he's about to wet his pants!' Peter retorted with a nervous giggle.

When James and Remus also laughed, he seemed more confident, and the momentary worry was soon replaced with a smug smile.

'Padfoot, when have I ever caused you harm?' Remus replied with a smile.

'There was the cure for boils in Potions that exploded all over me in first year,' he replied.

'Most potions lessons you put one of us in grave danger, right Padfoot?' James added seriously.

'Yeah, that's one of those times I reserve actual terror for.' Sirius smirked.

'James is right, Sirius, that's not going to get a laugh.' Remus then covered his face as he inspected the beams.

'How are we moving the beams exactly?' James continued pestering Remus.

'Didn't I tell you two to shut up?' Remus replied with a smile. 'Or do you like being stuck under a collapsed passageway swimming in Ravenclaw Towers toilet water?'

'Fine smarty pants, we idiots will show off later, just get a bloody move on!'

'Thank you, James. Peter, we are going to use _Wingardium Leviosa_ on three. You are going to move that beam right there!'

* * *

It was an hour later that Sirius and James were finally free and sat in their dorm room. They finally had some clothes on. They hadn't showered yet, so the rotten aroma of Ravenclaw Towers plumbing filled the air. Sirius point blank refused to get a shower until he had told his tale.

'It all started yesterday, right after the Quidditch match,' Sirius began.

'We were in the showers–'

'James! Don't tell them that part!'

'But being in the shower gave you the idea about the plumbing!' James complained. 'Context…'

'Fine,' Sirius replied as he recalled the entire affair.

* * *

_Flashback_

James and Sirius were just coming out of the showers. Sirius was towel drying his shaggy hair while complaining about the match.

'It couldn't be that you failed to stop their bloody Seeker, could it, Sirius?' James retorted. 'You were right there, but you had to send the Bludger to that Corner dude.'

'He asked Marlene to go to Hogsmeade with him!' Sirius retorted. 'Tell me you wouldn't have done it if it were Evans?'

'Not the point, Padfoot,' James dismissed. 'Ravenclaw didn't cheat!'

'We should have had the points to win regardless, but that sneaky little Keeper was cheating!' Sirius threw his towel into a nearby hamper. 'We need to teach them a lesson.'

'Really? How?' James smirked.

'We need to let them know that cheating stinks!'

'They didn't cheat!'

'They did though,' Sirius demanded. 'Curtis, the Keeper, had his wand. He isn't usually that good, is he?'

'That little sneak! I thought I was having a bad day. He saved every single–' James gritted his teeth, furious. 'Cheating stinks, right? Let's flood their common room!' He smirked.

'Flood the common room?' Sirius asked, confused.

'Have you ever noticed that the plumbing for Ravenclaw Tower runs through the ceiling of that new passage we found?'

'Oh, Prongs, you are a genius!' Sirius smiled. 'But are you sure this isn't too scary for you? If Evans found out?'

'I reserve actual terror for only the most special of occasions,' James replied. 'Like Lily Evans tearing me a new one . . .'

'I like that.' Sirius grinned. 'It's witty and smart.'

'The point being, I can't do it cause if Evans finds out, she will never go out with me.'

'Then it will be our little secret, just you and me, tomorrow morning.' Sirius smiled.

* * *

Sirius and James got up at the crack of dawn. They snuck past Remus, who was still fast asleep, cuddling a stuffed wolf if you can believe it. Next, came Peter's bed where he lay in the fetal position sucking his thumb. Sirius giggled and tugged the other arm from around Peters pillow, left it dangling, so his hand rested in a glass of water at the foot of the bed.

'Sirius, why would you do that? That's weird!' James whispered.

'I read about it. Apparently, it will make Peter pee the bed!'

'Remus too?' James smiled.

After they had finished being hilariously cruel to their dorm mates, which it turns out they deserved, as all their clothes had been sent to the house-elves. That meant that they were stuck roaming around the halls in their sleepwear, which just happened to be socks and boxer briefs. They snuck out of the common room, and through the portrait hole.

While sneaking through the halls, they had to hide in alcoves to escape the notice of more than one teacher. It was so early in the morning that they even witnessed Professor McGonagall in a tartan dressing gown getting hot cocoa. They reached the third-floor corridor and thought they were home-free when something entirely unexpected happened.

'_Naughty naughty, you'll get caughty! _

_Potter and Black's undies I see, _

_a nasty sight if you ask me. _

_Do Peeves a favour, owe me one _

_and he won't call for anyone.'_

Peeves the poltergeist burst through the tapestry blocking Sirius and James' way. Peeves sang his little poem over and over, the floating form of a wicked little man. His eyes were orange, and they were the perfect blend of humour and malice, or perhaps not so perfect, depending on your perspective.

'Peeves! Our favourite ghost.' James smiled.

'What's Potty and Black doing up so early? And what's in the bag? Peeves is thinking you is up to something. Peeves should be telling the Headmaster Sir or Mistress Professor McGonagall,' he cackled maniacally.

Peeves loved to cause trouble, so he had a nose for when students were up to something. It was a complete coin toss as to whether he would help or hinder; it really depended on what he found funny at the time.

'You don't want to do that,' Sirius said, his tone serious. 'We're actually on an urgent mission from the Bloody Baron.'

'Ooo Wee Black is telling fibbies!' Peeves spun in the air cackling, his voice carrying through the corridors. A noise so annoying and so loud it was practically begging for a teacher or Filch to come and silence it.

'Shh!' James begged. 'Look, you're right, we are up to something. It's devilishly brilliant, completely amazing, and terribly disgusting, and to succeed in this endeavour we are willing to do anything if you allow us to pass!'

'You did not just say 'anything'?' Sirius reprimanded. 'And to Peeves!'

'Is this one of those special occasions, one of those rare occasions when Padfoot gets scared?' James mocked.

'Why is it funny when you say it, but I get mocked?' Sirius complained. 'Peeves, what do we have to do?'

The chaotic spirit finally lowered his voice, though his laughter wasn't wholly silenced. Floating in front of the two scantily clad Marauders he told them exactly what he wanted them to do to gain safe passage. This was how they found themselves in the Hospital wing. It was silent, the various students that were staying there were asleep, and Madam Pomfrey was nowhere to be seen. Peeves must have trusted them to follow through, or maybe he was just invisible and quiet because they didn't hear from him once they arrived at the Hospital Wing.

'You find the _Skele-Gro_, I'll pour away the pumpkin juice,' James whispered as he tiptoed across the room, the pitcher of pumpkin juice in hand.

As he was pouring the juice down the drain, he found a selection of pasties and was soon having a little breakfast.

'James, we are on a deadline, we need to get back to the dorms and find clothes before lessons,' Sirius scolded.

'Probably won't have time for breakfast, want one?' he offered.

Sirius snatched a pasty and stuffed it in his mouth and finished pouring the juice away. 'Just keep a lookout.' Sirius then proceeded to pour the _Skele-Gro_ into in pumpkin juice pitcher.

'Peeves said we had to turn ourselves in,' James reminded him.

'Peeves isn't here, and we would spend a lot of time in detention for this one.'

'How do you know he isn't here?'

'Fine,' Sirius replied, and they wrote a little note, rolling it up and putting it in the _Skele-Gro_ bottle, signing it: The Marauders.

'No one knows who the Marauders are?' James pointed out with a smirk.

'We are taking ownership of said prank. It is just a happy coincidence that no one realises exactly who the Marauders are!'

'Careful, Sirius. Your Slytherin is showing!' James said mockingly.

Finally, they were able to leave the hospital wing, and go straight to the fourth-floor passageway, right underneath Ravenclaw Tower. They were through the mirror and halfway down the tunnel in no time. The antique pipes crisscrossed up the walls and overhead. They were red, rusty and leaking, the water could be heard sloshing through the pipes, but that hadn't been the first sign of plumbing.

When the collective group—The Marauders—had first found this passageway, it was the aromatic air that had tipped them off to the pipes. The smell of putrid waste was what told them exactly what kind of pipes ran along with the ceiling and walls. As they were right under Ravenclaw Tower, it was pretty clear where towers pipes led.

'Right,' Sirius smiled, 'what do you know about Muggle pipes?'

'Nothing!' James laughed. 'Why would I know anything about Muggle pipes?'

'Then how do we know which pipes we have to break?' Sirius said as he put down his bag of specialist equipment.

'You want it to smell, right?' Sirius nodded as James smirked. 'Then you pick the stinkiest, foulest pipe you can find!'

What they didn't initially notice was the invisible entity that had continued to follow them long after the Hospital Wing incident. They certainly didn't see Sirius' bag floating high up into the rafters of the somewhat unstable passage. Peeves couldn't stay quiet for long, though. Sirius and James had just located the pipe that they needed to track to Ravenclaw Tower when Peeves started cackling.

'Naughty, naughty, you'll get caughty!' Peeves was floating with Sirius' entire stash of '_Dr Filibuster's Fabulous Wet-Start, No-Heat Fireworks'_ and he was holding a water-balloon!

'Peeves, don't!' James shouted. 'The passage could collapse!'

With a cackle, the fireworks were lit, and James and Sirius got to see a marvellous show as the passage tumbled down around them. It wasn't too bad, no life-threatening injuries, but it was impossible to get out of. The pipe that they decided to burst exploded all over them rather than in Ravenclaw Tower. They were stuck under beams and rubble, no choice but to wait until someone found them. Remus and Peter did find them, soaked in sewage in their underwear. How aromatic.

* * *

Remus and Peter sat on their beds, looking at their rather ridiculous friends. Remus couldn't help but laugh. Peter was quick to point out that their little trick did not cause him to wet the bed. Remus was even quicker to point out what a spectacular failure Padfoot and Prongs were when they were not accompanied by their partners in crime; Moony and Wormtail.

'See! Clearly, we are the brains behind this operation!' Remus smiled.

'Everyone knows that it's not THAT easy to get rid of Peeves!' Peter stated authoritatively.

'Oh shut up, Peter!' James whined. 'You know you would have fallen for it too!'

'But Peter didn't fall for it, did he? You two idiots did!' Remus smiled.

'As Remus said to us earlier: "You two can show off to each other later. You're both very smart. Now shut up."' Sirius stormed off to the bathroom.

'Hopefully, it won't be quite so aromatic in here once they're done,' Remus said as he settled down on his bed. It was the best story he had heard in years.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi guys - good score for this one... one wonders if the judges dislike Snape? Hmm. I got 8.25 and 9 bonus points.
> 
> Positives - Peeves was a hit and well written, maybe I shall try that again, prompt willing. My take on prank gone wrong felt 'new and original'. I like that comment especially 'cause I kinda felt forced into a prank fic here, and its not my faveourite. They also loved my Marauders, how they worked together, and considering that this is a first, I am happy with that too.
> 
> Flow - I lost an entire point here, gutting because I always thought I did well with flow. This is how you find out how to fix what you aren't so good at so I am going to try and quit with the sour grapes sometime soon! Basically there was a lack of narrative while they are stuck in the tunnel, very dialogue heavy. I am going to have a read through that, I am not sure it was that long a stretch? What do you think? Also, varied sentence structure, this is an issue I know I have. I tend to write loooong sentences, and I try to catch myself and change it up, but I find it hard. I am sure you can see :D
> 
> A few punctuation mistakes which weren't detailed. A missed word, I swear that keeps happening to me lately, I read over stuff and I am missing words out, there was one I missed. One sentence that reads strangely: 'I think I don't want anything else to collapse' - I will be checking the context out on that.
> 
> Let me know what you think, anything that the judges missed?
> 
> Thanks
> 
> Verity


End file.
